We’ve talked endlessly about the numerous problems that can result from procrastinating on your estate plan. If the worst happens, you won’t have control over what you leave behind or who it goes to. Responsibilities that are often frustrating, exhausting, and painful will fall to a surviving, grieving family member – possibly upon you, if you’re the one left behind.

But hearing it secondhand from us doesn’t mean nearly as much as reading the experiences of someone who actually had to endure that experience.

Our friend Kendall lost her mother in 2020. She has been gracious enough to both talk about her experience and emotions, and to allow us to share this raw, personal story with you.

Unprepared, Overwhelmed, and Grieving: What I Learned from My Mom’s Lack of Planning

Grief hits you like an unexpected tidal wave. You feel as though you are drowning and dry land is nowhere in sight. No one can prepare you for the loss of a parent, for how your world stops spinning. 

But the rest of the world does not stop. It keeps spinning, life keeps living, and when my mother died without a will, I very quickly learned that someone could have prepared for what that would mean for me, her only child.

My mother was diagnosed with leukemia in 2019. In an effort to keep herself in a semi-positive frame of mind, she refused to consider the possibility of dying. This meant that even the idea of a will or clarifying her medical wishes were not topics of conversation. I was terrified at the thought of losing her, so I was no more inclined to bring it up than she was.

There are two distinct moments I remember where someone outside our little family bubble broached the subject of her will – or lack thereof. The first time was at a cancer support center. 

A woman with kind, sympathetic eyes laid out the support services available to patients and family members of those fighting cancer. “Do you have a will?” she asked. My mother bristled, said she would think about it later, and that was that. 

“Later” still hadn’t happened by the second time it came up, though. That was when my mother was being admitted for a stem cell transplant at Northwestern University and the intake coordinator asked about a medical directive. My mom set me as her medical power of attorney, but spoke no more on the subject.

I wish I had asked her about her wishes then and there, but with her mortality looming over me like the darkest storm cloud, I was in no position to consider it. We shared a desire to bury our heads in the sand and hope for the best. 

On July 30, 2020, my mother suffered respiratory complications several months after her stem cell transplant and passed away.

Without a will or trust, all of my mother’s assets were frozen. I had no idea what to do. No one had prepared me for this. Plus, I was in the midst of unwavering grief that weighed heavily on me, making everything harder.

With her death began the lengthy process of settling her estate in probate. I retained an estate attorney that I later found out was quite expensive, and listened as he explained the procedure that I felt entirely unequipped to handle. 

I found out that she had not set a beneficiary on her bank account, leaving it untouchable until I had the proper documents in hand. I couldn’t find the title for her house or car, and eventually had to request replacement documents. Then, when I finally received them, I learned that they were also solely in her name, leading to more complications. 

The most surprising part of it all was the waiting. I waited for the Letters of Office to declare me as the Executor of her estate. I waited the six-month window after the Notice to Unknown Creditors was placed in a local newspaper. I waited for credit claims to be negotiated and paid. All in all, her estate was finally closed through the probate process on April 22, 2022 – almost two full years after she died.

The worst part? I now know that much of that horrible experience I went through could have been completely avoided. 

Specific things I learned throughout this process:

• Offhandedly telling your family your medical wishes isn’t enough – put it in writing in some kind of official capacity. This will spare your loved ones from agonizing over their decision to take you off life support. I still wonder if I made the right decision to do just that. 

• There is no guarantee the probate process will be quick and easy. In fact, you can bet on the opposite. Your estate could be tied up for months – or years – and throughout that time, your loved ones may be in financial limbo.

• Being named a beneficiary on her bank account would have made things so much easier. Lots of people list a beneficiary just as part of setting up their account. It’s fast, it’s easy, and if my mom had done it, I would have been able to avoid a lot of headaches.

• Keeping important documents organized and easy to access is an act of love. Clearly filing things like deeds, titles, insurance policies, and account statements isn’t something most people find fun. It is, however, something that would have saved me a tremendous amount of time and stress when my mom was no longer around to tell me where everything was.

• If you find an estate attorney you trust, your family won’t be stuck doing that while grieving. I was desperate. I had to scramble. And because of that I definitely overpaid. If you take the time to find and work with a good estate planning attorney ahead of time, your loved one can just continue using them. They don’t have to, of course, but it would have been nice to have that option.

In the end, I get why my mom made the choices she did with the information she had. But that last part is key, because I don’t believe she had any real sense of the horror show she was leaving me with. Knowing what I know now, it’s not something that I would ever do to my loved ones.

Make a Plan Now to Save Your Loved Ones Heartache Later

No one wants to think about their own end. Or their loved ones dying.

But sooner or later, it happens for all of us. The only thing you can really do is prepare for it.

If you have not created an estate plan for yourself, do so now so that you can minimize the stress and pain for those you leave behind as much as possible. Worried about the estate of your aging parents or other loved ones? Talk with them about their plans. Make sure to discuss topics like power(s) of attorney, funeral plans, beneficiary designations on financial accounts, and any final dispositions of property. Explain that you want to make sure you know what their wishes are so that you can actually carry them out.

And remember: you don’t have to go through this alone. We understand the ins and outs of estate planning law in Texas and we can help you have these hard conversations with loved ones.

Don’t wait until it’s too late – make a plan. Reach out today to schedule a free consultation with us.