Tips for Talking to Your Family about End-of-Life Care

Does discussing end-of-life care and death planning make you uncomfortable? Unfortunately, it’s an essential part of communicating our wishes and needs. These conversations touch on aging, death, and finances– all of which can bring up some difficult emotions among the people we love. 

Addressing these issues early, before a serious injury or illness makes it too late, can set us up for long-term success. Planning prevents pain. 

So, how can we make these conversations easier, both for ourselves and our loved ones?

Acknowledge Your Discomfort

The discomfort is natural. These are tough conversations, after all, and these topics make many of us nervous. Sharing your feelings will help your family understand your hesitation. For example: “I’ve been wanting to talk about this for a while, but I was worried about how it would make you feel.” Honesty fosters understanding; understanding brings empathy.

Address Common Fears

One common fear that people bring up is typically phrased as: “I don’t want to seem like a vulture, eager to pick over my loved one’s possessions after they pass away.” After all, nobody wants to seem like they’re hovering over family and waiting for them to pass.

In situations like these, emphasize that planning ahead will actually give your loved one more control over their own future and finances. It isn’t about the money. We want to ensure that our loved ones receive the best care while they’re alive, and we want to minimize tension once they pass away. Having our wishes clearly stated in official documents is the best way to formally express our desires when it comes to long-term care, prepare for any medical emergencies that may arise, and ensure that everyone gets a fair share later down the road.

It’s worth considering that accidents can affect any of us. Car wrecks, medical emergencies, or simply slipping and falling in the shower happens to people of every age. Wouldn’t it be better to have a plan ahead of time, rather than making our loved ones guess in the heat of the moment? 

We should at least clearly define who will make medical decisions on our behalf, who will handle our finances, and who should be contacted in the event of an emergency. These are the kinds of questions that can tear families apart, and the children or loved ones who are left to make these decisions can often experience indecision and regret for decades… if not the rest of their own lives.

Get Your Thoughts in Order

Before you sit down, take a moment to clear your mind, think through your decisions, and write them down. This will help you communicate clearly. Create clear goals for the conversation, which will assist in sharing your wishes in a way that is respectful and mindful of your family’s emotions.

Pick the Right Time and Setting

The holiday season can be a good time for these discussions if the family is in a reflective mood. However, gauge the atmosphere—if people are stressed or focused on festivities, it might not be ideal. Choose a time when everyone is receptive and a private setting to encourage open dialogue.

Be Direct and Honest

Starting with a direct statement can clear the air and set expectations. You might say something like “I want to have an important conversation about my medical decisions, end of life care, and estate plan. I’ve decided some things, and I want to discuss them with you so we’re all on the same page and don’t have any confusion down the road. Are you ready to talk about this?”

Although this level of directness can feel blunt, it will provide a clear framework for the conversation. It’s also useful to maintain a cooperative tone and keep everyone focused on the specific issues you’d like to address.

Talk to Everyone Impacted… But Maybe Not All at Once

The conversation shouldn’t feel like an intervention! Discussing emotional matters can be intimidating when the people who are most impacted are all staring at you. Sometimes wisdom dictates having these one-on-one conversations, especially with sensitive matters– such as choosing one child to manage your financial affairs, leaving unequal shares of your estate, or setting boundaries and guardrails around inherited funds.

Allow for Questions

Encouraging your loved ones to ask questions and voice concerns can also clear the air. Simply having the space to talk things out may help to avoid problems and resentment, as it gives everyone a chance to express themselves and think things over. It also permits you to explain why decisions were made. After all, we can’t provide context once we’re gone!

Seek Help if Needed

Why take this on alone? If you expect difficulty or family conflicts, it may be wise to bring in a neutral third party. Attorneys, financial advisors, and similar professionals can assist in guiding discussions, clarifying financial and legal matters, planning ahead, and ensuring that conversations stay focused.

Additionally, meeting with a third-party expert beforehand can help you gain clarity on your own wishes and better understand what’s legally possible.

Want additional advice on how to have these conversations? Don’t hesitate to reach out.

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