Few people want to talk about their lives ending and what happens after they’re no longer around. You know who often wants to deal with that even less? Your kids!
Because of this, trying to discuss estate planning with your children can feel uncomfortable. For many families, the topic brings up difficult emotions about aging, finances, and the future. In fact, it is not unusual for children (especially adult children) to avoid the conversation… for as long as they can, anyway. Not talking about it and getting things together now often creates confusion and stress later. Starting the conversation can help ensure your wishes are understood and that your family is prepared.
So, what can you do if your children seem reluctant to engage?
Here are some ways to approach the topic to make it (slightly) easier and more productive.
Start with the Purpose, Not the Documents
One common mistake? Jumping straight into the paperwork: wills, trusts, powers of attorney, and other documents. For someone who is on the fence about even having the conversation, this much information can feel overwhelming. So many details!
It’s usually easier to start with context. Explain why planning matters. Show them how the plan works to protect them. After a death, your estate plan is ultimately about getting the right assets to the right people at the right time… as efficiently and easily as possible. When the conversation focuses on care, responsibility, and preparation, it often feels less intimidating.
Bottom line? Helping your children understand that the goal is to reduce confusion and stress for them can shift the conversation in a more positive direction.
Choose the Right Moment
The best time to bring up your estate plan is typically during a moment of peace and calm. While there’s not necessarily an ideal time to bring up estate planning, there are definitely bad times to start the conversation. Conversations in the midst of conflict are rarely productive.
What should you do? Look for a calm moment when everyone can talk without feeling rushed. A family visit, dinner, or quiet conversation can provide a natural opportunity to bring up the topic. Keeping the tone relaxed helps everyone feel more comfortable discussing something that may initially feel serious or unfamiliar.
And remember: You set the pace. You set the tone. You don’t need to cover everything at once. The first conversation can simply open the door. Speaking of which…
Break the Conversation into Smaller Pieces
Estate planning is not a single discussion. It is a series of conversations over time.
Rather than trying to explain every detail at once, start with smaller topics. You might begin by letting your children know where important documents are kept or explaining who you’ve chosen to make decisions if you are unable to do so yourself.
Later conversations can address other aspects of your plan. Taking a gradual approach can make the topic feel far less overwhelming.
Be Open to Questions and Emotions
It’s normal for estate planning conversations to bring up emotions. Your children might feel uncomfortable discussing the future or uncertain about what the conversation means.
Approach the discussion with patience and empathy. Encourage questions and give your children space to express concerns. When people feel heard and respected, they’re more likely to participate in the conversation and understand the reasoning behind your decisions.
Remember that this discussion is about building understanding, not forcing agreement in a single moment.
Make It an Ongoing Conversation
This may start to sound like a broken record, but estate planning discussions shouldn’t happen just once. These plans are designed to last for decades, and our trusts have adaptive provisions built in by default. Family dynamics, finances, and life circumstances change over time, and the way your trust (or even aspects of a will) interact with your family members may change as they gain age and responsibility.
Keeping the conversation open allows everyone to stay informed and prepared. And periodically revisiting the topic can provide clarity and help ensure your plan continues to reflect your wishes.
Getting Help with the Process
If starting the conversation feels difficult, you don’t have to do it alone. We not only help guide the planning process, but can even set meetings with you and your family so that you have a calm and professional voice guiding the conversation and explaining the legal meaning and intent behind specific decisions.
Interested in learning more? We’re here to help.